• Cannabis News

High Leaders Introduce New Measurements

CannaSaver Blog
Posted by CANNASaver on Friday, 13 August 2021 in Dispatches from the Highlands

Perhaps it was a moment of psychiatric paralysis, perhaps out of sheer boredom from lockdown, but Mayor J. Van Cannaby, City Council, and Chamber of Commerce have started the year on a new foot: with the goal of redoing “all measurements” that govern our lives, from distance to volume. Following a Friday night virtual bong-binge with other town leaders, wherein the new structures and labeling were hammered out, a “measure” passed unanimously at 4:20AM in the morning with anyone still conscious to vote.

Although popular due to “tearing down of outdated institutions,” the revolutionary change is already gaining opposition from various parties who will see their own distribution points radically affected. For instance, all liquid-volume measurements will be refactored from fractions of gallon or liter systems into four main categories: sips, swallows (aka ‘swals’), swigs, and the optional and variable “chugs” to scale. Commercial productions must recalibrate. “I just ruined a recipe that called for a swal of vegetable oil,” said baker Rordon Gamsey, “But who’s to say my swal is the same as the next person? Do they realize how much I can chug?” 

A lady tries out one of Cannatown's new forms of liquid-volume measurements, the "swig"

In another case, a traveler ran out of gas on a trip because the road sign had been changed to read "Resinville: 6 Jaunts." The account seemed to verify the prescient warnings of council-member Jeanie Barnes who had wondered aloud, “What if people completely misjudge the length of a ‘jaunt?’"

Meanwhile, the Ways and Means Committee slipped a provision into the bill to flip the entire polarity of monetary value in order to save on costs. Now, the most expensive things will cost mere pennies, while trivial crap will cost billions apiece.

If that’s true, then the richest 1% are now the poorest simply by owning money, while the penniless should be able to buy up mansions by the dozen. “That’s great news for me,” says local banjo-strumming wastrel Tim Litscher. “I ain’t got shit.”

Last modified on Tuesday, 10 May 2022
(0 Reviews)
Tagged in: humor

Deals Near You

20% OFF Kratom or CBD
20% OFF Kratom or CBD
Glendale - Recreational
$160 Platinum Ounce Exotic strains
$160 Platinum Ounce Exotic strains
Northglenn - Recreational
Free pipe with purchase of $5 or more
Free pipe with purchase of $5 or more
Colorado Springs - Rec & Med
BOGO FREE EDIBLES!
BOGO FREE EDIBLES!
Phoenix - Rec & Med
Bonanza Disposable Vape Pen $19.78
Bonanza Disposable Vape Pen $19.78
Denver - Recreational
EPC Sign Up Bonus 14G for $14
EPC Sign Up Bonus 14G for $14
Colorado Springs - Medical
Buy 1/4 get a FREE 300MG Edible
Buy 1/4 get a FREE 300MG Edible
Colorado Springs - Medical
Free Pack of Dutchies on your First Visit!
Free Pack of Dutchies on your First Visit!
Green Valley - Recreational

Archive