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The zodiac, demystified.
Aries - It’s not that everybody hates to hear your inner dialogue. It’s just that nobody really needs another 50 recipes for meatloaf.
Taurus - There may be no stupider way of looking at the situation, than through goggles on a pogo-stick.
Gemini - Nothing speaks to the depravity of your resin high like this homemade meal of dipped cheese slices in melted cheese.
Cancer - Friends don’t push friends out of moving cars, then make love to their spouse and burn their house down.
Leo - You idiot, you’re not supposed to rip the teabag open.
Virgo - The tattoo wasn’t really received well, but you have to admit it was a clever way to request a divorce.
Libra - The difference between you and a real lumberjack is, real lumberjacks chop down wood, not other stu made from wood.
Scorpio - At precisely the same moment you notice something has been chewing on the drywall, you'll look down to realize it was you.
Sagittarius - You’ll never get away with this, they’d tell you, if they’re weren’t a bunch of adorable, delicious, baby oysters.
Capricorn - Most gamblers play coy during a bluff, but your strategy is a straight guttural Popeye stutter.
Aquarius - Despite climbing the bestseller list, you will be labeled a plagiarist for your novel, Fellowship of the Small Metal Finger-Circle.
Pisces - The girl didn't seem very enthused about listening to your order. Then again, she doesn't work here.
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